Hey, I’m back. Yup, it’s going to become a habit. Pretty soon you’ll never know I left.
Today my thoughts are circling around this question: do I want to help people because it is fun and I enjoy it? Or because I grew up believing that if I made myself helpful people would keep me around?
The deal with me is that right at this moment, I am tickled pink by data migration. Specifically my own data migrating into a new billing system. I LOVE IT. I had no idea.
And I am completely disinterested in figuring out how to teach people about business and money and the Tao of anything.
And because I’m constantly scrutinizing myself, I have to know what it means.
Eh. Maybe it means nothing. I am also reading sci-fi/fantasy again. Which I haven’t done in ages. Maybe life just goes along and I don’t have to know why. Maybe it’s an ebb and flow and…blah, I am boring myself.
I am turning 30 in a few short weeks. And you are probably tired of hearing about it. I’m tired of thinking about it! It’s an impossible event that nonetheless seems to be occurring. I am filled with cognitive dissonance. 30? That happens to other people. People in their thirties!
Another unusual event that bears documenting is that I plunked down a chunk of cash to spend two nights on the coast for my birthday. Without any of the usual shoppers quandary and endless research trying to find the same thing but cheaper. I just wanted to do it. I liked the place. And I didn’t mind spending the money. It’s unusual. I like it. I’ve been thinking…what else could I spend money on? Could I travel now? I’ve never allowed myself the expense.
All good changes I believe. But odd-feeling inside.
Eh. Life. It really is never quite what you’d expect.
That’s probably for the best.
My desire to help will probably grow back. Maybe it just needed a break. For the summer. To not care and read silly books and go to the beach and…er…play with data. Love it.
This is what I like about myself: I try as much as possible to give myself what I want. I may spend a lot of time trying to figure out why I want it and if it’s a healthy thing to want and if there is anything else I might want more that I might not realize I want…but ultimately that is all so I can have what I want. Whatever that is. Whether it makes a whole lot of sense or not. I believe in desire. I believe it guides us toward wondrous-ness. I believe we contain in ourselves the desire for beauty and grand love and pureness. And through giving ourselves permission to seek that which we are drawn to and fall in love with it, we shall find those things. And we shall experience that soaring falling feeling of being at one with something magnificent. I love that feeling. It makes me happy.
Which really is the only thing I want to say when helping people: there is this feeling. You can have it. Your business and money and everything else can be part of that feeling. It can be wonderful. Go after it. Let yourself seek it out. Don’t stop until you find it. Don’t forget that it’s real and it’s great and it’s right there in the next breath. It’s worth looking for.
Court the sublime. Chase it. Surrender to it. Know it. Believe in it. It’s here, it matters, it’s real, it’s not that hard to find, and it’s brilliant.
That is what I want to say. In a few months. After my birthday. When I finish my book and polish of my data.
=)