Sometimes I get a glimpse of the future. Not a lot, but occasionally I’ll get a flash of knowing that turns out to happen.

Sometimes I try to see into the future and this internal force prevents it. Like a voice that say, “No. You’re not supposed to know that yet.”

When I was younger I had a strong sense that I would become famous. Save the world famous. And I struggled with it and was ambivalent with it.
And then finally I came to terms with wanting to do something or other that helps people and who cares about the rest.

And the funny thing is that feeling that I would be famous has subsided. I don’t really feel this inevitable doom of bigness that I used to feel.

So maybe it was a weird fear-delusion to begin with.

Or maybe as I’ve gotten older I’ve changed and my potential futures have shifted. I don’t think I want to be famous. I enjoy solitude and quiet and anonymity. I like making things that people use. I don’t need them to know me.

I used to half-fear and half-want to be famous. Now I am unsure if it matters to me at all.

Lately what seems important is on a smaller scale. Doing good work. Being kind. Understanding love. Creating balance. Enjoying being alive. I want to do these things.

What difference does it make who sees or knows if I do these things? They are my business.

I don’t want to be larger than life. I want to be exactly the size of life.

Some things are lost when you scale. Things that matter to me.

I don’t think my life scales. I don’t want to stretch it to see either. Right now it’s a good size.

But when I ask myself about it, I get the voice. Maybe I don’t want to know. Maybe I know the answer and I haven’t accepted it yet.

I guess it is still in a state of ambivalency. Just with lower amps. And more appreciation for being not-famous. It’s so nice, being not-famous. Being just me.