Writing matters. I think.
I mean, I want to take on faith that it does, and just start doing it again.
I have gotten out of the habit of writing. I used to just go along and a great idea would come to me and I would get all excited and out it would come.
Lately every idea seems kinda not great. And what’s the point. And blah blah blah.
I don’t like being in the blah blah blah space. I liked being in the writing space. So I’m going to find it again.
I like this writing space because I don’t have to be “on”. I can write in the certain knowledge that pretty much just Emily will read it. That’s nice. Hi, Emily.
But still. For the sake of the writing, let’s pretend I have an Audience.
Here are some ideas I’ve had lately that, if I didn’t have a blah blah blah brain, I might want to write about:
The Tao of Fame
Actually, I want to learn about this. This is an interesting topic that I am fascinated by and don’t understand and want to grok.
It seems like a lot of my struggles lately around writing and creativity have centered on this: how much do I want to be known, by strangers?
I understand the desire to be known by those close to me. I’ve yearned to be known in that intimate, deep way. And I’ve experienced it, and I like it. It’s good.
But longing to be known by people who you will never know? Immediate ambivalence.
- Is it right to want that? What am I giving them, isn’t it a one-way street and isn’t that selfish? Isn’t it ambitious, and greedy? Is it bad?
- If I didn’t think it were bad, would I actually want it and go after it?
- Isn’t thinking it’s bad the same as thinking money is bad, and isn’t that what I tell people is silly all the time? (Well, not silly exactly, but unnecessary and perhaps even unnatural).
Money is good. It’s abundant, it’s fun, it’s useful, it’s part of life. It’s your friend.
So can I say that of fame? Fame is good. Fame is abundant. Fame is useful. Fame is a part of life. Fame is your friend.
Ee…eeek.
OK. One at a time.
Fame is good. In the way that money is good.
Money is good because money is energy and energy is love and love is good. Money is good because the Universe is good. The Universe is fundamentally a good place and money is a tool within that that is actually neutral but in that the Universe is good, it is good.
OK. So. Fame is good because fame is…well, it’s not exactly energy.
What is it, exactly?
Fame is when…people know you who you don’t know.
OMG. Maybe it’s not that I fear that it is greedy or selfish. Really, I don’t have a problem being greedy or selfish. I mean, I think those are natural parts of ourselves yadda yadda yadda.
Maybe it’s that if I don’t know them, I don’t feel safe with them knowing me.
I’ve come to recognize I have a certain vigilance about life. I don’t trust people. I like to see their hands. I want to have my back to the wall. I don’t like public transportation. Some might say that I don’t like people, but it’s really that I don’t like people that I don’t already know.
So the idea of thousands of strangers thinking they know me? Or even worse, actually knowing me?
Yeah. I think the greedy and selfish (read: alive and excited about it) part of me does want to be famous. I think that part of me wants to write and blog and share everything with the world.
It’s the other part of me that doesn’t. The part that is sure that people don’t like me when they meet me. The part that has to check in constantly with what other people are feeling and thinking because they might have decided they don’t like me in the last 5 seconds. You still like me, right? You aren’t going to leave me suddenly are you? Are you? Tell me!
That part of me doesn’t like the lack of control that fame represents. People could decide to like me or not like me and not even tell me! They could develop all sorts of opinions from reading what other people say about me and I wouldn’t even get to say hey wait, that’s not fair, I’m really likable I swear! Give me a chance!
I’d have to really get over what people think of me.
Wow.
Fame is abundant. In the way that money is abundant.
Money is abundant because there is an infinite supply of it and an infinite supply of both people and needs. There are always more people needing things that want to pay for people to provide it. Endless opportunities to give and receive money. They print more every day. There is literally billions of dollars floating around and you just need a tiny tiny slice of that total revenue stream to be happy.
OK. So. Fame is abundant because there is an infinite supply of people wanting to be told things and wanting to read things and wanting to hear other people’s ideas about things.
Sigh. My head-voice says: but they don’t really need more talking heads. They need to listen to themselves.
Ok. Let’s try again.
Fame is abundant because on this earth, we are always forgetting. Every single day we wake up and forget how wonderful we are and how gracious and kind we can be and how clever and brilliant our writing is. So every single day we need some reminders. We are always needing more blessings and good wise words and happy thoughts. There is always a need for this.
So. There are always more people needing reminders that want to be reminded. That yearn and seek for some nourishment.
And there are endless opportunities to talk and speak and also to listen to others wisdom. There are endless opportunities to know and be known. Everyone wants to connect and talk. People spend their whole lives talking! And reading and listening and trying to figure things out. New people are born every day who are seeking answers to the perplexitude that is life. There are literally billions of people wandering around on the planet and you just need a tiny sliver of them to listen to you and you’ll have a bit of fame. Do you need to be as famous as Madonna? Or could you be happy with just a bit of fame, enough to feel like you are reaching the kind of people you want to reach and really saying something that matters to them?
Maybe before you start you need to know that you are not starving and will not get carried away with it.
People fear making money because they feel so hungry they don’t trust themselves. Who will I become if I start trying to meet this need for myself? What if I am never satisfied? People hunger so for money. I don’t want to go there.
Am I hungry for the kind of validation that I think will come with fame? Am I afraid of who I might become? Like people who write books and are scanning the bestseller lists constantly, desperate to get on them, be on them, stay on them. It’s like a drug. No thanks.
Can I say no thanks to fame when it’s not my audience or not my scene? Can I keep my center? Will I be tested? Will I survive?
Hmm.
Fame is useful. In the way that money is useful.
Money is useful, obviously, because it’s very hard to trade 500 chickens for a night at a hotel. You can do all kinds of interesting things with money that you can’t do with barter. Like the stock market. Well, that is dubious. But still. Credit cards are convenient. And online shopping. Etc. I mean, really. This is a no-brainer.
Fame is useful because it’s very hard to talk to 5000 people individually. You can do all sorts of interesting things with fame, like recommend other cool things. Like Brad Pitt and that silly bracelet. Well. Yeah. But still. Obama is cool. He inspired a nation. For a few months. That’s still something.
All the people who wrote books that I’ve read. They’ve really helped me. I’m glad they wrote those books. I really am.
Fame is a part of life. In the way that money is a part of life.
Money is a part of life because you are paying for the floor your chair sits on. You didn’t design the system and you can’t change it. You can go live in the desert squatting in a hut, but really. It’s easier just to deal with money already.
Fame is a part of life because people are always forming opinions of you. You can’t stop them. There is nothing you can do about the opinions you’ll never know about or never see. There are many things out of your control and fame is up to other people. You can go live in the desert squatting in a hut, but really. Then you’ll just have your own judgments and opinions, and is that really better?
You can’t help anyone if you won’t allow them in your presence because you don’t want them to have an opinion of you.
Fame is your friend. In the way that money is your friend
Money is your friend because it will work for you beautifully and logically if you just learn how it works and work with it rather than resisting it. It will make your life easier, take care of you, let you go places and do things that are truly wonderful. It is one of the most useful and helpful tools humans have invented. It works certain ways is all. You just have to learn them, and then it will unfold its mysteries for you.
Fame is your friend because it will work for you beautifully and logically if you just learn how it works and work with it rather than resisting it?
Huh?
I feel like this is probably true but I realize now I have no idea how fame and promotion works. It makes no sense to me whatsoever.
Crap.
I’ve met people who money makes no sense to. They usually don’t have any.
Well. I do have a way of becoming mildly famous without even trying. I think it’s in all of us. I just hide from it. So if I can learn to stop doing that, it probably won’t be so awfully hard.
* * *
Disclaimer to the voice in my head: I get that it’s maybe a little silly to be trying to work out your fame issues if you aren’t really famous at all. But it’s kind of like, if you don’t have any money maybe you should look at your money issues. Get it?